Children-Children
by Dagmar Oertel
www.astro-sophia.de
As I listened to the conversation between Heather and Andrew, I found myself deeply moved by their relationship. I wondered how hard it must have been for her not to see her son grow up, even saying that the biggest present she could have given him was to allow him the freedom to choose whether or not he wanted to stay in contact with her. Everybody who reads this must know how difficult that would have been—it means taking oneself completely out of play and relying on the hope that everything will work out in the best interests of the child.
But what I also find impressive about Heather is how she was able to leave her ex-husband just the way he was; without judgment and without clinging to the past. With other separated couples I have gotten to know, it is just the opposite—the anger sometimes remains just as lively as if their split happened the day before, and the children become part of a power struggle marked by deep deprecation. Heather did things in a completely different way; she started to deal with herself and look for ways to release herself from pain, releasing herself from the projections of others with such absoluteness that I must take my hat off to her.
Other things became clear to me as well while listening to the conversation. As a parent, you always try to direct the child so that he or she will adapt in a certain way to society. When the child is small, one has the feeling that each behaviour of the child (hyperactivity, aggressiveness, etc.) comes back on oneself.
Often, this leads to a feeling of shame or guilt. “I must have done something wrong—otherwise my child wouldn’t be like this.” This shame negatively affects the relationship with the child. The child feels: “Mom or dad is ashamed of me, so something must be wrong with me. I am not okay the way I am.” This is the root cause of dysfunction within the family.
The feeling of worthlessness is the basic subject that underlies all conflicts, even in the adult age. And now, you may be asking yourself:
To what extent does my view on my child help to nurture the feeling of worthlessness?
The biggest present you can give to your child is to view him as a growing being who wants to test his abilities and to allow him that privilege.
In this place, you might feel a fear rising within you:
“I am afraid that my child could be swallowed up by society, end under a bridge or a become welfare recipient.
“I am afraid that people will condemn me because I wasn't able to show my child a better way.”
To hold these fears off, I try to set as many specifications for my child as possible. Everything happens for the best, each advancement and each reprimand.
It is me who is frightened because my mind does not offer me any other vision for the life of my child.
During the conversation with his mother, Heather's son Andrew points out how important it is for parents to be clear with themselves before having children.
Normally the opposite is the case. Parents are looking for themselves—and the child who comes from such a relation gets to know this crudity. Within the parents' crudity the pre-programming is the only thing which seems to give security and benchmark, even when the pre-programming is refused. But there is nothing else because they have also been programmed by their parents who didn't know better either.
What is the way of overcoming this dilemma?
What can we do to do justice to our children?
First of all we should change the way we view our children. Let's choose a perception that shows them as innocent, searching and whole.
Let's decide to trust. “I trust in life to provide me with my highest good.” What kind of response does this sentence have inside us? What does our mind say to this? How would a life feel that is defined by confidence?
I trust that my child bears a power inside that also unfolds without my addition.
I decide to flow with life because I trust that life means well for myself and my child.
I encourage my child to follow his or her intuition.
I can point out that there are no real mistakes in life and that every time my child appears to have made a mistake, he has been given the opportunity to listen to himself better the next time.
In a certain way, I am only an observer when I look at my child. As an observer I am not justified to impose my point of view.
Khalil Gibran says in his poem: On children
...You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams...
From an astrological point of view, there is a nice analogy for the new contact with children. Pluto has been changing during these months into the sign of Capricorn. The Capricorn principle stands for old structures and Pluto for a drastic change. We can move towards this change by letting go of our children and allowing them to develop in the direction they are pulled in the second millennium.
When you really want to give the best you can to your child, then look at yourself and don't forget: Your view of the things and the world is only one possibility. Allow your child his perception and the creating of his reality and you will have given him the greatest gift that you can.
[End of Article from www.astro-sophia.de]
Heather, Here's the feedback I got today (two days later):
(...) Children-Children - this article moved me deeply. After a heavy separation I was able to learn to let go of my marriage, my partner and all my anger for him. Soon after, I found myself back to myself again. I didn't have to hold on to the past—I took it as it was and didn't have to react to the attacks from my ex-partner.
For awhile, I had a great sense of peace. But now there is our ten-year-old son who is becoming the target of manipulation attempts directed not at me, but at him. Two months ago, he went to live with his father. And now the unbelievable is happening: I can let him go. I don’t need to resort to control mechanisms and manipulation, but am free to show him that it is ok if he wants to live with his father. I am free to give him my love and to encourage him to follow his heart. I am free to let him take responsibility for himself and I don’t feel that I need to prevent him from the lectures he chose as part of his life’s path.
In reading your article today, I have found motivation to go on. In past conversations I would sometimes feel like an alien. There is a disconnect between myself and others—they wonder how a mother could behave like this. They say it should be obvious that the father is not good for the child, and wonder “how can you ‘let go of it’ when it is your own child?”
All I know is that the experiences I have made for myself in the last 2 years haven't always been painless and simple but they were important. My son knows that I am there for him. I surround him with good thoughts and my love, and I trust in a higher guidance who protects him and me every day.
It is good to know from your website that other people choose this same path. Thank you!
(End of feedback.)
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